Desperately Wanting
by Saint2
Summary: Not gonna tell you, but its an unconventional pairing
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1 Rain City  
  
Author's Note: Yes Yes I understand this may be an unpopular pairing and I understand that it would never happened in real life, but, I want to see how far I can take it. Constructive criticism welcomed but no comments on why Ryan and the fembot aren't together  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em  
  
The rain poured outside, beating against the glass in a throbbing rhythm. The occasional jagged streak of lightening punctuated the sky and lit up the darkened pool house like the flashbulb of a camera. The ocean, normally so perfectly crystal clear and flat, was now a dull grey colour, pounding angrily on the beach below. The stormy weather suited Ryan's mood perfectly. Ryan Atwood had never been one for philosophical rambling, he left that to Seth, but his mind recognized the irony of the rainstorm. When he had first came to Newport, he was amazed at the seemingly constant blue skies and idyllic ocean. The sheer fucking perfection of it amazed him but also in a sense soothed him. It was pretty hard to feel shitty about your life when there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It seemed that it always rained in Chino. . Now after a month that had seen Ryan's life crumble around him in more ways then one, the weather in Newport finally reflected his mood. To complete the irony, Ryan was pretty fucking certain that it was sunny in Chino.  
  
"So fucking ironic" Ryan mumbled under his breath as he turned away  
from the window, stubbing his cigarette out. He surveyed the darkened  
pool house, letting his eyes linger on his bed, which even four nights  
after, he was avoided like the plague, opting to sleep on the floor  
instead. Despite Ryan's best efforts, the countless showers, the two  
bottles of air freshener, the bed, the room still smelled of her. Ryan  
still smelled of her, could still taste her in his mouth. It was a  
scent and a taste that held a combination of conflicting emotions that  
Ryan's already overloaded brain could not begin to process. He eyed  
the bottle of Absolut vodka that he had bought when he had bought his  
cigarettes. The only thing that had came from his three weeks in Chino  
that was at least somewhat useful had been the fake ID he had bought  
from one of his ex-high school buddies. Ryan had bought the vodka  
intending to go back to his tried, tested and true method of drinking  
his problems away, yet he realized in the rational part of his mind  
that this problem was one thing that no amount of alcohol, or drugs  
for that matter, could help him escape from. Plus, when he saw the  
Absolut vodka, he immediately thought of Marissa. Thinking of Marissa  
brought back a vortex of emotions and bits and pieces of memory. The  
colour of her dress during their dance at Caleb and Julie's wedding.  
The look in her eyes when the song was over, when she had said to him  
that she understood why he was going back to Chino. The sickening  
realization that had gripped him in Theresa's car and saw her standing  
alone against the setting sun watching him go, that despite everything  
he had done for her, that he had tried to do for her, she was going to  
crawl right back into the bottle and this time, he wouldn't be around  
to rescue her. And then finally, the sight of Jimmy Cooper's pleading  
face as he begged Ryan to go see Marissa, to try and pull out of her  
self-imposed hell, not that it was an entirely self-imposed hell, but  
rather a Ryan-imposed hell. Ryan stopped his train of thought,  
realizing he was rambling and grinning at himself as he realized he  
was becoming more like Seth Cohen with every passing day. Quickly Ryan  
forced himself to stop thinking of Seth, forced himself not to go down  
that road. Jimmy Cooper had looked so desperate that day, but at the  
same time had a look of reluctant understanding when Ryan tried to  
explain to him that he wasn't in any kind of state to help himself,  
much less Marissa. He had sensed at that moment that he had a lot in  
common with Jimmy Cooper. Actually the more he thought about it, he  
had a hell of a lot in common with Jimmy Cooper.  
  
The thought almost provoked a swig of vodka. Instead Ryan lit another  
cigarette and sat down heavily on one of the bar stools. He briefly  
wondered where Sandy was, and then figured he was probably working  
late as usual. The whole summer Sandy had been looking for ways to  
escape the house, the memories. First with drink, then with work. As  
much as Ryan was in a sense let down by the knowledge that Sandy had  
been on the fast track to becoming an alcoholic, he really couldn't  
blame Sandy for seeking to escape the house. After he had come back  
from Chino to find Seth gone and no word from him except from a  
hastily written postcard that by the looks of it had been written by  
Seth on his knee during a hurricane that was dated three days after he  
had left Newport, Ryan quickly, intuitively sensed that Sandy blamed  
him for Seth's departure. Ryan blamed himself too, but knew that Seth,  
in his mind anyway, had had no other choice but to leave. Ryan didn't  
know where Seth was, the postcard had said Catalina, but Ryan  
suspected he had moved on. Ryan hoped he hadn't been a complete moron  
and tried for Tahiti on his piece of crap boat, but somehow Ryan knew  
he was okay. Of course, Ryan realized with a pang of guilt, he really  
didn't want Seth to come home anytime time soon, knowing that would  
complicate further an already fucked up situation. Ryan noticed that  
even the thin haze of smoke that covered the pool house and the odour  
of nicotine didn't diminish her smell in the slightest. Ryan got up  
and walked to the door, checking to see if the kitchen light was on.  
His stomach growled, but there was no fucking way he was going in  
there if Kirsten was there. He saw that the light was on, and  
squinting through the rain he could vaguely see a distinctly feminine  
shape moving around. Well that settled that. No way he was going in  
there.  
  
He dug around in his knapsack and unearthed a half-eaten roll of  
lifesavers. His happiness at finding food was quickly blotted out by  
the remembrance of where he had gotten the lifesavers. A vending  
machine in the hospital next to the OB-GYN clinic. He remembered how  
chewing the hard candy had managed to dispel his craving for a  
cigarette that as Theresa had so eloquently put it in the thirteenth  
hour of her delivery would be jammed up his ass if he so much as  
touched it. Theresa had passed out almost as soon as she had given  
birth, so Ryan had gotten to spend some quality time with his new  
daughter. They had decided to name her Kirsten, after the only mother  
figure that Ryan had ever really known. All of a sudden, images of  
Kirsten bounced through Ryan's head and Ryan shook his head  
forcefully. He definitely didn't need to be thinking about those  
images right now and definitely not in that context. His life was  
fucked up enough without going into some Freudian analysis. He forced  
his mind onto safer, yet at the same time more painful territory.  
Baby Kirsten had been perfectly healthy. Ryan had pointedly ignored  
that fact that the girl obviously had Eddie's eyes and make a promise  
to her and to Theresa after the paternity test had confirmed what he  
already knew, that he would treat her as if she was his own. For two  
weeks he had taken care of her, changed her diapers, fed her, burped  
her, finding that even after coming home exhausted from a 12-hour  
shift at the factory the simple act of listening to her sleep through  
the baby monitor could relax him like nothing else could. It scared  
him slightly, but it was actually the fact that it didn't scare him  
that much, that really scared him. For those two weeks Theresa and  
Ryan and Baby Kirsten had been a happy family. He felt content, happy  
enough even to resume his relationship with Theresa.  
  
Until that fateful day when a hysterical Theresa had burst through the  
factory floor, crying and telling a dumbstruck Ryan that Kirsten was  
dead. The doctors had told Theresa it was a case of Sudden Infant  
Death Syndrome, fairly common among pre mature babies, as Kirsten had  
been. Ryan shook his head as he remembered the sad ceremony held in  
blinding sunlight, the tiny casket and the tiny headstone. Theresa had  
told him immediately after that she had to leave, to forget. So she  
had moved to Atlanta to be with her cousin. Ryan was surprised to find  
himself relieved. Already, a scant three weeks after the funeral, Ryan  
was surprised at how already he was starting to forget what colour  
eyes the baby had had, the cute noises she made when she slept. The  
forgetting was at once both disquieting and a relief. Relief because  
the pain was subsiding and disquieting because though the baby had  
been Eddie's, Ryan had known that he could not loved her more during  
those two weeks than if she had been his. It seemed wrong to be  
quickly forgetting all of those feelings. Ryan supposed that what he  
did the night after the funeral, after Theresa had left him, had been  
a way to release all his feelings so he wouldn't have to deal with  
them anymore.  
  
Sandy and Kirsten had called often when Ryan first left, cheerily asking how Theresa was, whether there was anymore they needed. It was unspoken rule that Seth was never mentioned in these phone calls. After a while, Ryan began to realize that the majority of the times Sandy called, he was drunk. He also began to intuit that Sandy was unconsciously blaming Ryan for Seth's sailing adventure, as he called it. Ryan also heard the strain in Kirsten's voice when she called. After the baby was born, Ryan desperately wanted to call, but he realized his happiness would sound cruel to a couple whose once rock-solid marriage was beginning to fall apart due to circumstances beyond their control. After the baby died, Ryan hadn't wanted to tell the Cohens but after a few beers he had to. Sandy had been out at some anonymous bar, self-medicating the only way he knew now and Kirsten had answered the phone. Ryan often wondered what would have happened if Sandy had answered the phone instead. For sure his situation would be a lot simpler and not as twisted. Kirsten had immediately rushed to the apartment that Ryan and Theresa had rented after Theresa's mother had kicked them out. For the first time in a very long time, Ryan laid his soul bare. He let his raw emotions pour out. Kirsten had done the same. And for a reason that was at once obvious and yet a mystery they had found solace in each other's arms. Obvious because Kirsten and Ryan both at that point had nobody. And out of the ashes of their lives, they discovered a passion that had startled both of them. While Ryan regretted most of what happened that summer, in a way, he felt grateful for that night. He had opened up to someone else as he never done. And the sex, well the sex was mind-blowing. Ryan shifted uncomfortably as he remembered the sensations of her skin under his. As the rain outside, which had tapered off, resumed its steady beat again, Ryan had his memories of the way she tasted, the way her eyes looked when clouded with desire, broken as the sheer fucked upness of what happened hit him again. Staring out at the rain, Ryan lit another cigarette. 


	2. Mrs Robinson

Chapter 2: Mrs Robinson  
  
A/N: First of all I want to thank everyone who reviewed the first chapter. I was a little worried about this, but your praise helped a lot. Also as per the slight continuity issue regarding Theresa's pregnancy. I guess at the end of the season she was maybe 4, 5 months pregnant, so it would be hard for her to have her baby in July, like in my story, but please consider it dramatic license.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own em, and never will  
  
Kirsten sat at the kitchen table, hands cradling a cup of steaming tea looking out at the pounding rain, coursing down the glass windows in thin rivulets of water. Kirsten couldn't make out Ryan's form through the sheets of rain, but she could see a tiny red point of light that told her that Ryan was smoking again. Not that she could blame him after the bizarre series of events that had thrown her world into turmoil this last week. Kirsten let out a shuddering breath overwhelmed at the rush of emotions that had overtaken taken her at the thought of Ryan. While Kirsten realized that as long as she lived, she would never be able to completely shake the feeling that by sleeping with Ryan, she had somehow taken advantage of him, of his vulnerability, and her need to feel something, anything. Even if was overwhelming sensations of shame and guilt. Yet despite herself, Kirsten found that her hands shook slightly around the coffee cup and an intense warmth suffused her when she thought about him. Kirsten shook her head, trying to clear her head of the vivid images, but she knew that her head would be filled with these images for a very long time.  
  
Kirsten had prided herself on always having a plan, always knowing her next step. With Jimmy Cooper it had been safe, secure. Kirsten had genuinely loved Jimmy Cooper; still loved him in a way, but her relationship with Jimmy had also been a part of her plan. She knew what to expect, could see a future with him. Even the beginning of her relationship with Sandy was rational, planned. Kirsten realized that her relationship with Jimmy could not have lasted, not after he had gotten Julie Cooper pregnant. She and Jimmy had been having somewhat of a rough time, mostly because since she was in college, Kirsten had decided that it was time to rebel a bit, break out of the mould that her parents had set for her. That was how Kirsten rebelled, she didn't just do it on the spur of the moment, and she planned exactly how she was going to rebel. She was still in love with Jimmy; she just felt it was time to take a break. She had every intention of going back to him. Until Jimmy knocked up a Riverside trailer park girl. Kirsten had been devastated and decided after months of flirting to sleep with Sandy. Sandy Cohen had been wild, free-spirited. Yet despite his anti- establishment posturing and his liberal drug use, Sandy had been at heart a sweet Jewish boy who had the same conventional attitudes about family that she had. He worshipped her, Kirsten knew that and his sense of humour was particularly appealing to her. Jimmy, bless his heart, had not exactly been a quick wit. She had planned her seduction of Sandy, not that she really needed to do much work, days in advance. Candles, music, a sexy nightgown, everything. Her plan had gone exactly like clockwork. There was only one glitch. Kirsten had gotten pregnant. Her best-laid plans went out the window. A part of Kirsten desperately wanted this baby, but she knew if she had it, her life would change, her parents would disown her, and Sandy, well while Kirsten knew that he adored her, she knew that this was radically different from him wanting to raise a baby with her. So Kirsten did the only thing she could do, she had an abortion. Her mistake was confiding in her mother after she had. Her mother had never really forgiven her so she lived in a mail truck for next two years with Sandy. That was the best time in her life. She stopped planning, and starting living. But when her mother got sick, Kirsten felt obligated to return to Newport to help her father take care of her. She quickly got sucked back into her old controlled life. She got a job with her dad's company and she had Seth. Kirsten smiled in remembrance as she recalled how she and Sandy had painstakingly marked her ovulation days on the calendar. Seth had been the essence of a planned baby. And so up to the past year Kirsten's life had been the rational, planned life she had known and she had been comfortable with.  
  
Until Ryan showed up. While she had of course been mildly surprised that Sandy had brought home a tough-as-nails felon from Chino, she hadn't been completely surprised. She figured it was only a matter of time until Sandy brought home a client. And considering his clients legal troubles, she had known that the client wouldn't exactly be the poster child for Christian living. No, what had really surprised her was the powerful bolt of sexual attraction that had gripped her when she first saw Ryan. The kid had oozed raw sexuality from every pore in his body. Kirsten had been caught flat- footed by this jolt of attraction that had surged through her and she didn't know quite how to deal with it. Perhaps her disgust at herself with her intense knee-jerk reaction to Ryan had been one reason why she demanded that Sandy take him home. When instead of bringing home the volatile youth that had crackled with sexuality, Sandy had brought home a frightened, scared little boy that had tried to be a man for far too long and at a far too young age, Kirsten had immediately forgotten her insane attraction and focused all her energy on providing a motherly, nurturing influence to him. And she had mostly succeeded. Only occasionally in the mornings when Ryan, clad in only a wife-beater, showing off a body that no sixteen-year old should have, would Kirsten be consumed by that initial spark of attraction. Only sometimes when she would spy Marissa leaving the pool house, cheeks flushed and hair tousled, did Kirsten wonder how sexually gifted Ryan was. In some ways, the discovery that Ryan, far from being a volatile felon, was a nice kid with a hero complex had helped Kirsten be more of a mothering influence on him, but in other ways it provided a deeper level of attraction. In any case, Kirsten had been able to deal with the pain of Ryan's departure back to Chino from a mothering perceptive. Even though sometimes the pain manifested itself as a feeling roughly akin to Kirsten feeling like a jilted lover.  
  
The summer had been infinitely difficult. Seth's departure hit Kirsten hard, though she somewhat suspected it would happen. Half the time Kirsten felt anger at him leaving, the other half of the time she was gripped with sickening sensations of loss and worry. Kirsten wanted to rely on Sandy to be her rock. But Sandy had collapsed with a speed that had shocked Kirsten. The fierce light in his eyes that had first attracted Kirsten to him faded, dulled by nights of heavy drinking. With Sandy as a member of the walking dead, Kirsten increasingly felt that she had to be the rock. She was always the one to help Sandy to bed, to pick him up from increasingly seedy bars, to cover for him when he couldn't make to the office in the mornings after a bender, she was the one to mix him Bloody Marys to cure his hangovers in the morning. After a while Kirsten hadn't even had the effort to yell at him, to help him. Kirsten felt useless, which struck as odd because she never had to do so many things in her life. Caleb and Julie's marriage was already on the rocks, so Kirsten acted as a sounding board for both of them. She was always drained and exhausted. One night Sandy had narrowly escaped being arrested by the police for public drunkenness and that near miss had scared him straight. But instead of being the old Sandy again, Sandy threw himself into his work. While Kirsten was grateful that she didn't have to worry about Sandy in some strange bar, she almost preferred Sandy drunk. He had become so co-dependent on her, that it was a shock when Sandy became a workaholic; he had no need for her. Only a few words were exchanged between them, which was symbolic of how bad things had gotten. Never before this summer had Kirsten and Sandy suffered from lack of words. In a way she could understand this. Sandy was devoting so much of his mental and emotional energy to not falling apart again, to not let down his guard against the tsunami of grief and worry that always threatened to engulf both of them that he had very little energy to try and resuscitate a slowly dying marriage. Kirsten consoled herself with the thought that maybe when Seth returned, things would improve.  
  
Kirsten had not expected the call from Ryan that night. She had never heard him like that before. Even when Marissa was falling apart, when Theresa broke the news about her pregnancy Ryan had bottled up all his emotions and seemed to be under control. When he had called, he had been unable to keep the wracking sobs from escaping. His raw pain had taken Kirsten's breath away and she immediately had gone to see him. She would never forget walking into the small but neat apartment that Ryan and Theresa had rented and seeing Ryan curled into a ball near the toilet, emitting a heartrending keening sound that had made the hairs on Kirsten's arms stand up in its sorrow. Kirsten had spent what seemed like hours holding Ryan, feeling matching sorrow at the life that had been cruelly taken away from Ryan, but also feeling strangely exhilarated. Exhilarated because she didn't feel useless anymore, exhilarating because Kirsten felt she finally had a purpose after the bleak summer. Kirsten felt alive once more through her overpowering desire to comfort him in any way she could. She began spilling out all of her frustrations and fears about Sandy and the future of their family and then it was Ryan's turn to hold her and it was his turn to have his shirt stained by tears. It was a cathartic experience for both of them. When Ryan's lips had accidentally made contact with Kirsten's lips, it felt wonderful and somehow natural. Everything, everyone in their lives just fell away, and their respective ages seemed not to matter. All that mater was that Kirsten was determined not to stop kissing Ryan. She needed him with every fibre of her being and it was the fact that she knew that he needed her that made her need him that much more. The sex had been breathtakingly passionate, tender, exhilarating, cathartic. Kirsten blushed as she remembered the long furrows her nails had made in his back, the sensations of his hands teasing her, caressing her.  
  
The car ride back to Newport was complete torture. Kirsten knew she should feel overwhelmed with guilt, but all she could think about was the way he tasted, smelled. She had to concentrate on blocking these feelings from her mind, so she could keep driving in a straight line. Every filament in her being wanted to pull up to a Super 8 motel and make love to him again and again. She wanted to re-enter the private world that their passion for each other had forged. By Ryan's unwillingness to make eye contact with her, and his rigid, ramrod stiff posture she suspected he felt the same way. Yet she resisted. She thought being home again with Sandy would awaken her to the dangers of what she was doing, but instead the dullness in his eyes, made her crave the passion that she had seen in Ryan's eyes. But it was Summer; Seth's girlfriend that had made Kirsten decided to talk to Ryan about what happened. Not that Kirsten had told Summer about it. But Summer was also feeling abandoned and alone, and while Ryan was at work one day, Kirsten and Summer had spent a delightful afternoon talking about Seth's idiosyncrasies and wit. Kirsten realized that the damage to Seth would be just as great, if not greater than the damage to Sandy, if he ever found out about her and Ryan. So later that night, she had gone to the pool house to try and talk to Ryan. However, she never even opened her mouth. Ryan had just gotten out of the shower and his adorably tousled hair and sleepy eyes had made Kirsten take leave of her senses. Once again they made love and it was every bit as wonderful as the first time. If possible, it was even better the second time since Ryan now knew what made Kirsten cry out and thrash in ecstasy. Kirsten blushed deeply as she remembered the way she had called out his name in ecstasy. Since then, however Ryan had done his best to ignore her. Kirsten couldn't blame him, but after lying in bed with him after, and having the feeling of complete and total security in his arms, she couldn't help but feel a bit hurt. Kirsten realized that it was spiralling out of control, that the feelings she was developing for him were much too intense, but Kirsten couldn't deny her desperate wanting 


	3. Broken

Chapter 3: Broken  
  
Summer Roberts stood at the door to the pool house, smirking at the swaddled lump on the floor beside the bed. "Chino!" she yelled, walking over to the lump and giving it a hard kick with her Jimmy Choo sandal. The lump started to thrash around, a hand appearing, then a foot. The lump began to move across the floor as Ryan struggled to get out. Finally after thrusting both of his feet out of the bottom, Ryan appeared, blinking in the sun, his hair mussed with a bemused look on his face. He blearily looked around until he saw Summer who was staring at him like she had discovered a new and interesting species. "You can't do anything easy can you Ryan? Not even waking up." Ryan extricated himself from the blankets and stood stretching. He glanced at his watch "Its 11am in the morning on a Saturday Summer, don't you have more important things to do? Like painting your nails or playing with Princess Sparkle?" "Sadly my life has degraded to the point that watching you wake up is the highlight of my day. And don't knock Princess Sparkle. I'm sure you had a stuffed animal when you were little" At Ryan's sideways look she quickly amended "Or at least you would have if you had something resembling a normal life." Ryan began to shuffle to the bathroom. Summer followed him "Speaking of normal, why the fuck are you sleeping on the floor when you have a perfectly good bed? Did you have one of your 'fun dreams' again? "Did I ever mention how much I enjoy our morning banter" Ryan asked sarcastically, coming out of the bathroom "It's the highlight of my day" "You still haven't answered my original question Ryan" "Which would be??' Ryan gave a questioning look Summer gave a frustrated sigh "Stop playing dumb. Its very disconcerting when dumb people play dumb" "I see someone's been reading the dictionary," Ryan teased. "Forget it" Summer huffed, flopping down on the couch "Just forget it" Ryan sat down beside her. He motioned toward the Playstation 2 he had set up in the pool house "You ready to get your ass kicked again" Summer sighed theatrically "Ha don't make me laugh. You've obviously forgotten the last game we played. And the game before that. And the game before that. You know for a supposedly straight teenage male, you are ridiculously bad at video games" "You know whenever you spout off your bullshit it just makes me want to stay up all night practicing just so I can see the look on your face when I whup your ass" "Oh so that's why you fell asleep on the floor last night "Summer snickered. Ryan chuckled softly  
  
Since the beginning of the summer from hell, Summer and Ryan had become friends. Well not exactly friends, more like sparring partners, but it was just what Ryan and Summer needed. Summer was devastated when Seth left of course, but had actually more pissed off than angry. She needed someone to talk to, to vent all her anger at Seth on. Marissa was out of the question, she was barely functional nowadays. Summer had tried at the beginning of the summer to help her. She realized early on, however, that Marissa was beyond any help Summer could give her and frankly, Summer was tired of trying to help Marissa. It seemed as if all she did was help Marissa the past year. That left only Ryan to talk to after Ryan returned from his Chino nightmare. Ryan had been quiet at first, speaking barely a word to Summer. Summer found she enjoyed the comfortable silences. It was a bit of a relief to just sit with a person, and, in the words of Vincent Vega of Pulp Fiction just shut the fuck up for awhile. When Ryan did talk, he and Summer would engage in antagonistic banter, which helped them take their minds off the wreckage that had been their summer. When Summer had tried to talk to Ryan about Theresa or the baby, Ryan had not surprisingly shut her out, changing the subject immediately.  
  
Ryan saw Summer staring off into space and amused, snapped his fingers in front of her face. "Earth to Summer, Earth to Summer" he called. With a visible shake of her head, Summer's focus snapped back to Ryan. He was watching her with an amused look on his face. "I always thought you lived on another planet." "You know, I think I liked you better without your 'sense of humour' Summer replied, making air quotes around the words 'sense of humour' "Come on I need some coffee," she said, straightening up "And then I can kick your ass" She paused by the door, glancing back at Ryan with interest when she realized he wasn't coming with her. She noticed a sudden wary look in his eye "Come on Chino, I know for a fact you need at least like, three cups of coffee in the morning" "Ah not today" Ryan said quickly. "Suit yourself' Summer shrugged and moved to leave. "Ah Summer, can you get me a cup?" Ryan asked with a hopeful look on his face. Summer emitted a barking laugh "You gotta be fucking kidding me. The only guy I ever waited on is in some piece of shit boat somewhere in the Pacific. Get your own fucking coffee" "That's funny, I always though he waited on you' Ryan muttered as he left with Summer for the house. As he approached the house, he could see Kirsten drinking a cup of tea at the bar. Ryan was annoyed to see that his hands were shaking and his heart was ricocheting off his ribs. He tried to steady his hands as he entered the kitchen "Hey Mrs. Cohen" Summer said as she made a beeline for the coffee machine. Kirsten visibly jumped "Oh hey Summer, I ah had no idea you were here... Morning Ryan" she stuttered, cursing herself for her voice which to her horror was somewhat squeaky. Ryan followed Summer to the coffee machine, doing his best not to look at Kirsten. "Morning Kirsten" he replied in a tight voice. Summer leaned on the counter "So Kirsten I was hoping you could help me convince Ryan that instead of wrapping himself like a tortilla on the floor he should actually sleep in his own bed" "He, uh, he doesn't sleep in his bed?" Kirsten asked in a tremulous voice. She willed herself to look at him, silently cursing the wife-beater company that Ryan seemed to keep in business by himself. Ryan avoided her piercing blue eyes and concentrated on the wood grain of the counter "No, it uh, brings back too many memories" he lifted his glance to focus on Kirsten when he said this. She visibly recoiled, her face whitening. "Of course" she managed to get out. Summer gave Ryan a curious glance and decided not to pursue the matter any more "Morning Sandy" Kirsten said loudly as Sandy walked through the door. "Morning" he replied, moving toward the coffee machine "Summer" he nodded, shooting a glance over to Ryan "Ryan: he said in a clipped voice. "Morning Mr. Cohen "Ryan mumbled, not meeting his glance. After filling up his cup with steaming hot coffee he drifted to the study, dropping an absent-minded kiss on Kirsten's forehead. Shooting an anguished glance at Ryan, Kirsten trailed after him. Wishing he were back in the relatively angst-free Chino, Ryan left the kitchen, followed by Summer. Once they were in the pool house, Summer ventured, "God, Mr. Cohen looks awful. Those bags under his eyes. He really needs a good facial revitalizer." Despite himself, Ryan snickered "He's under a lot of pressure with work" Ryan stated in a monotone, all traces of laughter gone from his voice. "He still blames you for Seth leaving doesn't he?" Summer asked softly. Ryan nodded once jerkily. Summer shook her head in sympathy "Don't blame yourself, blame that selfish asshole formerly known as Seth Cohen" Ryan shot a questioning look at Summer "Formerly, when he comes back and after I get through with him, he's gonna wish he had never came back" Ryan flashed a quick grin "Seriously, Mr, Cohen will get over it. So will Kirsten. She really loves you, you know" Ryan began coughing violently on his coffee. You have no idea he thought, trying to regain his breath.  
  
After several rounds of Playstation, Ryan and Summer decided to spend the rest of the day down at the pier. As Ryan walked back to the pool house he overheard angry voices coming from the kitchen "What the hell do you expect me to do, Kirsten? Sit at home and twiddle my fucking thumbs until Seth comes back?" Sandy demanded in a frustrated voice. "I want you to stop killing yourself Sandy! You stay in the office until midnight every night now. I miss you; I miss the way we used to be. I don't even feel like I even have a husband anymore!" Kirsten screamed at him, in a shaking voice. "You want me to take a sabbatical?" Sandy asked in a deceptively calm voice "Yes" Kirsten said, "At least until Seth comes back" "Oh you would just fucking love that wouldn't you" Sandy screamed back " You can go back to being the sole provider, holding it over my head that you make more money than me!" Ryan stood in shock, his cigarette stuck forgotten at the corner of his mouth, burning down to the filter. He had never heard Sandy like this. Ryan grew cold as he remembered the other men in his life that had sounded as angry as Sandy did right now. Before they lashed out with their fists "Sandy" Kirsten's trembling voice was a plea "Forget it, just forget it" Sandy said roughly, stalking out of the room. Ryan ducked his head instinctively as he heard the sound of glass crashing from the kitchen. He could hear Kirsten wracking sobs echoing in the empty kitchen. As he came around the back door, he saw Kirsten kneeling on the floor, her shaking hands covering her face. Ryan was overtaken by a sudden wave of empathy that his knees almost shook. Making a split-second decision, he opened the door, and walked over to the prostate figure on the floor. "Kirsten" he said softly She looked up at him, her eyes glistening, her face etched with grief. Ryan placed his strong arms around her and lifted her up. "What?" Kirsten asked in a hoarse voice. Ryan quickly carried her to the pool house and gently laid her on the bed. Kirsten gave him a tremulous smile and hugged him tightly. Ryan laid down beside her, fighting the alarms that were going off in his brain, his entire being needing to comfort this broken woman beside him. He gently brushed her hair off her tear-streaked face and wiped her eyes. She burrowed into him and whispered "Thank you" "No problem' Ryan whispered back 


	4. Hold Onto the Night

Chapter 4: Hold Onto the Night  
  
The slanting sunlight illuminated Kirsten's sleeping form, throwing her face into sharp relief. Her brilliant blue eyes were clear in sleep and her chest gently fell with every deep breath she took. Ryan watched her peaceful form, fiddling with a cigarette that he desperately wanted to light up, yet he was rooted in place, fixated by the beautiful image of Kirsten sleeping peacefully. Ryan had lain in the chair facing the bed for most of the morning just watching Kirsten sleeping. He had woken up to the familiar and comfortable sensation of a female head lying on his chest. He was briefly disoriented, but quickly the memories of the past night had hit Ryan hard and he realized that the curtain of blonde hair belonged to Kirsten. He immediately began to think about moving, of extricating himself from her embrace, but quickly realized that the last thing he wanted to do was to move. He had bedded a lot of girls in his lifetime, had had a lot of great sex. But none of these girls he had bedded, not even the few older women he had slept with, not even Theresa or Marissa, had he wanted to cuddle with. Cuddling was definitely not Ryan Atwood's thing. Especially cuddling naked. It was almost a prerequisite that he cuddle with Marissa, she insisted on it, but he hadn't liked it. He had felt uncomfortable with her body pinning him down, she had felt too bony. And Theresa while he enjoyed sharing a bed with her, it had been an unspoken agreement ever since they were little kids that they stuck on their sides of the bed. Theresa wasn't exactly a cuddling type of girl. But with Kirsten it felt natural, comfortable. It was only the faint light emanating from the kitchen, dimly visible through the blinds that had compelled Ryan to move. He immediately thought with a sickening lurch in his stomach that it had been Sandy, searching for Kirsten. Ryan had been ready to wake Kirsten up, and had already begun collecting their clothes, which were scattered haphazardly throughout the room. His heart pounding Ryan had squinted through the blinds, audibly sighing in relief when he realized that it was only Rosa, the maid. The few seconds of numbing terror followed by a few seconds of overwhelming relief had warranted a cigarette.  
  
Immediately after he had stepped out of the pool house to have his cigarette, the enormity, the wrongness of his relationship with Kirsten had hit him like a tidal wave. Images of Seth's face, of Sandy's face, of Marissa's face danced in front of him. This was the way it was with Kirsten. Whenever they were physically together, Ryan could think of nothing but his desire for her. It was like they were the only two people in the world. It felt completely right. And for the first time since he had held his baby girl in his arms Ryan had felt content, happy. And the more time Ryan spent with her, the more alive he felt with her. But as soon as she left, real-life would come crashing in. Waves of guilt would engulf him. It was like back when Ryan was a kid, before his mother had completely descended into drug and alcohol abuse, he would sit on her lap and tell her about his day. And she would give him her undivided attention, made Ryan feel like he was the centre of her existence. But whenever his mother's boyfriend would come home, or Trey would come home, the connection between Ryan and his mother would be shattered. Shouting, hitting would inevitably follow. But for those precious minutes when he would sit in his mother's lap, eating an oatmeal cookie and excitedly give her the details of his day, everything would be all right. With Kirsten it was like that. When they were together Ryan felt complete, whole. And he believed that things could work out somehow. But as Ryan stood there, blowing smoke rings toward the house that Sandy and Kirsten had bought together, had shared their lives in, had raised a son in, Ryan felt nothing but numbing shame, shame so intense that he had to consciously stop himself from taking off. Yet even as these emotions had threatened to tear Ryan apart, to send him back to the streets he had sworn never to go back to, as he sat quietly in the chair watching the moonlight that illuminated Kirsten's face with a ethereal glow turn to sunlight Ryan once again felt a sense of peace overcome him. Ryan figured that experiencing so many wildly conflicting emotions in so short of a time could not be healthy for his emotional stability. But this emotional rollar-coaster was nothing new to Ryan; he had been experiencing it ever since he had slept with Kirsten for the first time. Often Ryan wondered if it was all worth it, if being with Kirsten had brought him nothing but internal agony. Hanging out with Summer the day before, down at the pier, seeing all the normal couples hanging out down at the beach Ryan was struck by a sudden longing just to be a normal teenager with a normal relationship with a girl his own age. Ryan thought that sacrificing those brief moments of utter happiness he felt with Kirsten might be a small price for a sense of normalcy, for a chance at a relatively angst-free relationship that didn't have the potential of tearing apart the only family Ryan had really known.  
  
Yet one look at Kirsten crumpled in agony on the kitchen floor that night had dispelled all those thoughts. Her beautiful blue eyes, so clouded with pain and hurt had sucked Ryan in, made it impossible for him not to comfort her. Ryan had always been a sucker for a damsel in distress. Marissa, Theresa, and now Kirsten. Leaving Kirsten there on the floor was not an option for Ryan. His desire to make her pain go away had been the only thing that Ryan felt when he saw her. The one thing that Ryan had always admired about Kirsten, ever since he first moved in with the Cohens had been her mixture of strength and vulnerability. Ryan had seen how strong she was during her fights with her father, during her attempts to deal with her estranged sister's dramatic re-entry into her life, and when Ryan left for Chino. Yet at the same thing he saw an underlying sense of vulnerability. This mix appealed to Ryan. Marissa had been all vulnerability with no real strength, other than the strength Ryan had tried to give her. Theresa had that same mix that Kirsten had, but with that tough mentality that being raised in Chino had given her, which made it impossible for Ryan to reach her. Kirsten, her pain was something Ryan knew how to relieve without feeling like a constant baby-sitter. If there was anything that defined Ryan Atwood, it was his need to be needed.  
  
Ryan's reverie was broken by the sounds of Kirsten stirring in the bed. She blinked and looked around the room blearily, obviously disoriented. Then her entire body seemed to sag as she remembered.  
  
"Oh my god, Ryan" she murmured, turning her head to look at Ryan who sat rigidly on the edge of the chair staring at her. "Sandy.." she trailed off.  
  
'He left for work" Ryan broke in roughly "I saw him leave" He moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "What are we going to do?" Kirsten asked plaintively "We can't keep doing this. I can't keep running to you" Ryan sat staring at his hands "I know Kirsten" he swallowed hard, surprised at the difficult that his next words came out "This is so wrong." but I couldn't stand seeing in that amount of pain" his voice shook slightly "I needed to help you" Kirsten was struck by a sudden rush of warmth mixed in with a slight sense of fear at the naked emotion present in his voice. She sat up and gently placed her arms around Ryan's neck. She whispered into Ryan's ear, sending small shivers down Ryan's back "I still need you" At this, Ryan turned around and started to protest. At the sight of her lips so close to his though, his protest died in his throat. He searched her eyes "This is the last time" he finally whispered. "It has to be" Kirsten agreed softly before pressing her lips to Ryan's, pulling him down to the bed, neither one of them believing this, but neither of them caring. 


	5. No One is to Blame

Chapter 5: No One is to Blame A/N: Thanks for the feedback guys, its helped a lot. I don't feel completely satisfied with this chapter, but oh well. I suggest that you guys soak up the last light moments of this fanfic because the angst level is about to increase a hundredfold in the upcoming chapters  
  
Ryan woke up to the insistent buzzing of his cell phone. Dazedly he lifted his head and glanced around blearily for the phone. He spotted the faint outline of it in his jeans. He felt around, determined to reach his jeans without moving from his current position. After some struggling, he succeeded, lifting the cell phone to his ear.  
  
"Hello?" he croaked, noting the empty space beside him and the sound of the shower running.  
  
"Chino?" Through his early-morning daze, Ryan could make out Summer's distraught voice. She sounded on the brink of tears. Ryan shook his head forcefully and sat up. "Summer? What's wrong?"  
  
"It's Seth.." Summer whispered before breaking down into sobs. Ryan's stomach immediately took a sickening swoop. He imagined a thousand horrible possibilities, his throat drying up.  
  
"What about Seth?" Silence reigned on the other end, punctuated only by quiet sobs "Summer?" he asked, a note of desperation creeping in his voice  
  
"He... broke up with me. He broke up with me through a fucking postcard" Summer whispered in a broken voice  
  
Ryan's heart immediately calmed as an unbidden smile flitted across his face, realizing that Seth wasn't dead. An asshole perhaps, but not dead. He was immediately brought back down to Earth by the continuing sobs on the other end of the line. "Can you come over" Summer asked in a pleading tone  
  
"Yeah, sure" Ryan said, "Give me ten minutes, k?"  
  
"Thanks' Summer whispered before hanging up  
  
Ryan quickly pulled on his clothes. Just as he was reaching down to pick up his shirt, Kirsten came out of the bathroom, wearing only a towel wrapped around her body and a towel wrapped around her hair. Despite himself, Ryan straightened up and looked at her with a sense of awe. A slow smile played across his lips as he sized her up. Kirsten shifted her feet slightly, feeling a bit like a pre-pubescent schoolgirl under Ryan's penetrating gaze. Her cheeks flushed. "Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"It's just. ... You're so beautiful when you're, y'know, natural"  
  
Kirsten quirked an eyebrow "Are you implying that I'm not natural sometimes?"  
  
"No I mean" Ryan flushed "I'm not good with compliments-"  
  
"You don't say" Kirsten said in a teasing voice  
  
Ryan shot her his patented sideways look "I mean there's some girls who have to put on like a pound of makeup before they look hot. You don't. You're beautiful when you get up in the morning"  
  
Kirsten said a light voice "You're right. You aren't good at compliments. But I guess that one was about the best I can expect for"  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes. "I'm glad, you find my attempts at complimenting you so under-whelming. Thanks"  
  
Kirsten grinned and walked closer to him. She gently placed a kiss upon his mouth "You're welcome "she said  
  
Ryan pulled on his shirt and picked up his phone "I have to go meet Summer. She's having some kind of meltdown. I'll be back later." He gave Kirsten a sizzling kiss that sent fingers of fire travelling throughout her body  
  
"Bye" she croaked out, regaining her breath  
  
She sat down on the edge of the bed, a grin playing on her lips. Every part of her body felt alive, charged with electricity. Ryan had that ability to do that to her. Suddenly she noticed the wedding ring on her pinkie finger. Her mind immediately flashed back unbidden to the night that Sandy had proposed to her. The early years of their marriage when everything was new, pure, exciting. "My God" she breathed as the true enormity of her relationship with Ryan struck her. What have I done she thought bleakly.  
  
Ryan arrived at Summer's towering mansion a few minutes later. Before he even ran the doorbell, she threw the door open "Took you long enough" Summer grumbled, disappearing down the hall. "Nice to see you too Summer" Ryan mumbled under his breath. He dutifully followed her to the kitchen. Summer leaned on the edge of the counter, staring at him, angrily chewing at a carrot  
  
Ryan shifted his feet uncomfortably under Summer's glare "So..... What's up Doc?" he asked in a light voice Oh my god did I actually just say that? Ryan wondered in disbelief. Summer notched up the intensity of her glare a few degrees. She slowly shook her head. Then suddenly, she threw the carrot at him. Ryan ducked instinctively as the carrot thwacked into the wall behind him  
  
"WHAT'S UP DOC? Your fucking assface brother dumps me through a fucking postcard and all you have to say is WHAT'S UP DOC? What are you, mentally retarded?" Summer screamed. As Summer spat out each word she stepped closer to Ryan pushing and hitting him. "Ow! Jesus Christ Summer, I was trying to lighten the mood. You know break the ice"  
  
"You were trying to break the ice. How would you like it if I broke your fucking face dickweed?"  
  
"Jesus fucking Christ Summer" Ryan yelled, hunching his shoulders to avoid her blows  
  
"Seth wasn't kidding about your rage blackouts"  
  
All of a sudden, as quickly as her face had gone black with rage, Summer collapsed on the kitchen floor sobbing.  
  
Ryan, his head hunched down in between his shoulders like a turtle, poked his head up cautiously "Summer?" he asked  
  
"What does it take for a girl to get a fucking hug around here" Summer asked in between her sobs  
  
"That depends. Are you going to go all psycho on me again" Ryan asked warily Summer shook her head. Warily Ryan sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her. After a few minutes of lying in silence, Summer thrust her arm out. Ryan reflexively ducked. Summer shook her head in disgust as her hands scrabbled on the counter searching for something. Finally she came down with the offending postcard. "Here" she said, thrusting the postcard into Ryan's hard.  
  
"Aloha!!!" the postcard said cheerfully on the front. Ryan flipped it around  
  
Dear Summer. First of all, let me totally admit that writing a postcard for this type of thing is totally tacky and cheap. You deserve better. Which is why when I get back I'm going to write you a nice long letter. Not that I'm not man enough to talk to you in person, but let's face it, you're probably going to kill me. Literally. Which would be fair punishment for what I'm doing, but wouldn't benefit either of us. I can't exactly see you in a prison jumpsuit. Anyways I'm rambling. As per usual. So let me come out and say it. I'm breaking up with you. Believe me or not, that was the hardest sentence I ever had to write. This is totally me. You are still the amazing, incredible girl I fell in love with and you totally deserve better than me. I didn't realize how fucked up I was until I got out here. I can't be in a relationship right now Summer. With Ryan in Chino, I feel that this entire last year has been a dream. And when we get back to school next year it'll be the same as before Ryan came. With me as the punching bag for the water polo team. . And I can deal with that myself, but I don't want to drag you into my issues. I don't want to be Marissa; using the ones I love as a crutch for me to work out my own issues. So as I said, this is incredibly hard for me to write, and I realize I owe you a much more in depth explanation, but I need to figure some things out on my own. Not that I'm not already on my own, but you know what I mean. Actually you probably don't, but you will.  
  
Love for always Seth PS Take care of Princess Sparkle for me  
  
Ryan let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding.  
  
"Wow" he muttered He glanced over at Summer who staring resolutely ahead, with only a single tear trickling down her cheek.  
  
"Well?" she asked in a brittle voice "What's your verdict? Is he fucking someone else? Some Hawaiian skank?"  
  
"Ah, I don't think so" Ryan said a careful voice "Maybe he just needs some time to y'know, figure things out."  
  
'He's had 6 fucking weeks. By himself. On a piece of shit boat, which incidentally he named after me. On the fucking ocean. He's like Tom Hanks in that movie Cast Away. The only person he has to talk to is a volleyball named Wilson. How much more fucking time does he need?"  
  
For the first time, Ryan wondered for a minute whether Summer was altogether stable. "Um Summer, that was just a movie. I'm sure Seth isn't exactly talking to a volleyball. Especially if he actually is dating some Hawaiian girl. Which incidentally I don't think he is. I mean I sometimes wonder how Seth got you. I highly doubt he's been able to land another chick. Although anything is possible this summer." Ryan realized he was rambling and quickly shut up. He instead resorted to his primary method of comfort. He quickly pulled Summer into his arms.  
  
Summer relaxed against him. "You know you're starting to sound a lot like Cohen. It's freaky as hell. I think I liked you better when you were all silent and broody."  
  
"I liked myself better then too" Ryan said honestly  
  
"He was the only guy I ever cared about... He was the only guy who ever cared about me" Summer choked out between renewed sobs  
  
"I know I know" Ryan said soothingly. "But you're wrong."  
  
Summer looked at questioningly.  
  
"He's not the only guy who cars about you"  
  
Summer smiled at him gratefully  
  
They sat there, on the kitchen floor for a few more minutes silently  
  
"You know Ryan. I think this is what they call sharing a moment" Summer said, a smile on her lips  
  
"Yeah" Ryan mumbled He yawned sleepily "Sharing a moment"  
  
"You know, if you want to go to sleep you can just go to your pool house. Summer said pointedly.  
  
"Sorry" Ryan apologized. "What do you want to do? I'm at your service."  
  
"Well in the past, whenever I was dumped by an asshole, which apparently I just was, I went on a shopping spree" Summer said brightly  
  
Ryan's shoulders sagged "Shopping??" He asked in a forlorn voice. He took a deep breath saying a quick prayer for strength. "All right I guess. Only for a little while though, I have ah .. things to do"  
  
"Great" Summer exclaimed. "I'll be right back. Hey, maybe we can get you a new wardrobe. Ghetto style is so last week." She bounded down the stairs.  
  
What doesn't kill me will make me stronger Ryan thought, repeating it in his head like a mantra  
  
Exhausted Ryan stumbled home after a gruelling six-hour shopping marathon with Summer. His feet were tired, his stomach hurt from the cardboard nachos and cheese he ate in the food court and he thought he looked ridiculous in his new wardrobe. Not to mention his feet were crammed into shoes that were at least two sizes too small for him, but were apparently the coolest shoes to hit Newport in, like, forever. According to Summer anyway. Personally Ryan thought the shoes made him look like a fag.  
  
He had just managed to drag himself to the counter to pour himself a glass of juice when the doorbell rang. "I got it!" Kirsten yelled as she opened the door. "Oh! Luke! What a surprise" Ryan's head snapped around and he quickly got from his chair.  
  
"Luke?" he asked in an incredulous voice  
  
"Hey man" Luke said with a huge grin splitting his face "What's up?" Quickly he pulled a bemused Ryan into a giant bear hug  
  
"What are you doing here?" Ryan asked  
  
"Came down for a little while to visit my mom. Figured I'd stop in and see how you were doing" Luke explained  
  
"Sure. Come on in" Ryan said heading into the kitchen as Luke followed him  
  
"Where's Cohen? I missed that little creep," Luke asked lightly  
  
"Ahhh... He's in Hawaii. Long story. I'll tell you later" Ryan said quickly  
  
"It sounds like the drama didn't end when I left" Luke said in a pleased voice  
  
"You don't know the half of it" Ryan mumbled under his breath  
  
Kirsten sat across the counter. "So, Luke how's your dad?" she asked in an overly polite voice. It was clear that she still felt uncomfortable around him.  
  
"He's okay. Actually living with him is a lot better then I'd thought" Luke said honestly.  
  
"That's great Luke, it really is" Kirsten said a warm voice  
  
Ryan had been staring at Kirsten's finger. The finger that was supposed to contain her wedding ring. The finger that was now empty. Ryan had actually done a good job of forgetting Kirsten for the past few hours, his mind having been lulled in a stupor by the monotony of shopping with Summer. Suddenly the absence of Kirsten's wedding ring left him breathless. The weight of all that he had done, that they had done over the past couple of weeks left Ryan gasping for breath as if he were underwater.  
  
"You're not wearing your wedding ring" he blurted out, shocking Kirsten. Kirsten's mouth moved soundlessly for a few moments before she croaked out "I.. I must have forgotten it upstairs" She looked as if she were going to say more, but as her glance skidded over to a perplexed Luke, she thought better of it "If you boys need me, I'll be upstairs" she said abruptly. The sound of her walking down the hall was the only audible noise for several moments. Ryan, his face flushed and his hands unsteady raised his glass to his lips  
  
"Holy shit" Luke said in a voice that was a mixture of awe, amusement and horror "You're fucking her aren't you"  
  
Ryan reflexively spat out his drink "Excuse me?" he managed  
  
"Oh please" Luke said in an amused voice. "This is me. I'm Newport's expert at September-May romances. You are so totally fucking her"  
  
"I have no clue what you're talking about" Ryan said stubbornly. At Luke's sceptical look he finally relented "Yeah I am "  
  
"Ha ha" Luke crowed, "I knew it! You guys had these intense sexual vibes going on."  
  
"I'm not exactly proud of this" Ryan said in a quiet voice  
  
Luke immediately sobered. "So how long?"  
  
"'Bout two weeks" Ryan said  
  
Luke's eyebrows shot up "Damn" he sat back thinking. Then he grinned and leaned forward. "I'm telling you man, older women? Definitely the way to go. If you can get past the twisted and slightly incestuous part that is. I remember Julie used to do this thing with her tongue..."  
  
"Luke!! Overshare, overshare" Ryan said in a desperate voice, putting his hands over his ears.  
  
"All right, all right" Luke admitted. "Not exactly a laughing matter. Seth's gonna kill you. Not to mention Sandy. Look on the bright side though, I won't be the only mother-fucker in Chino anymore" Luke's serious face remained in place for a moment before he collapsed in laughter. Ryan glared at him "You know if you're going to be Asshole Luke of the Newport water polo team you can leave right now"  
  
"Sorry sorry" Luke said a apologetic tone "No more. But seriously dude.. when I was fucking Julie.." Ryan started to cut him off, but Luke forged ahead "No listen, when I was fucking Julie, whenever the guilt and the fucked-upness of it hit me, I would just try and put a humorous spin on it. Not exactly hard, considering I was fucking Julie Cooper after all. I knew it was horrible, but it helped me stay sane" Ryan nodded in acknowledgement. "So, you want to grab a few beers, talk about it?" Luke asked "I don't know about actually talking about it, but I could definitely grab a few beers" Ryan said "I just spent a day shopping with Summer."  
  
"Wait a minute" Luke said in a bewildered voice "If Cohen's in Hawaii, then why is Summer back here? Did they break up or something? And since when are you Summer's shopping bitch?'  
  
As they strolled out the door Ryan said "I told you a lot has changed"  
  
The next morning Ryan walked to the house, blinking away the last vestiges of his hangover from the night before. As he opened the door he was surprised to see Kirsten at the table with a plate of eggs set up in his place. "What time did you get in last night?" Kirsten asked, trying to ignore the frission of heat that coursed through her whenever she saw Ryan in that damn wife-beater "About 12" Ryan mumbled as he sat down and picked up his fork. "Where's Sandy?" Kirsten tried to banish the regret and sadness from her voice as she responded "He went into work early" Ryan chewed his eggs. All of a sudden a strange look came over his face. He gagged once, stuck his finger in his mouth, gagged again and withdrew a piece of eggshell from his mouth. He stared at it for a moment and then with mounting suspicion, dug through his plate of eggs. He wasn't surprised when he unearthed several more fragments of egg. Slowly he raised his eyes to look at Kirsten "Did you cook this" Kirsten fixed her eyes on the table, a blush spreading up her cheeks. "Kirsten?" Ryan prompted "Yes" Kirsten whispered. Ryan shook his head in amusement. "Alright. Get up." Kirsten looked at him inquiringly. "You need to learn how to make a decent eggshell-free plate of eggs" He got up and moved to the counter. He beckoned to Kirsten. Fighting down a grin Kirsten moved to stand beside him.  
  
"No smiling" Ryan said in a stern voice. "I could have choked and died on this eggshell." He pulled out a saucepan and poured some cooking oil onto it. "Now pay attention. Cooking oil is used to lubricate the pan so the food doesn't stick to the bottom. Usually we use Canola oil, but occasionally you can use vegetable oil to spice things up" Kirsten snorted, fighting down a giggle  
  
Ryan gave her a sideways look  
  
"Right right no laughing. Not a laughing matter" Kirsten said quickly. Ryan smothered down his own laughter and pulled six eggs out of the fridge  
  
"Now this is important. When we crack the eggs into the pan, we do not let any eggshells into the pan' Kirsten nodded seriously  
  
"Repeat it" Ryan prompted  
  
"No eggshells in the pan" Kirsten repeated dutifully "Good. Now you usually want to use something to spice the eggs up. I like to use a little pepper, but you can use anything. I knew a girl once who put brown sugar into her eggs. Was very good. Now after you make sure you dispose of the eggshells, you have to watch the eggs very carefully to make sure they don't burn. I also usually add a little milk as well. Kirsten are you listening?" Ryan asked in a mock-annoyed voice  
  
Kirsten was staring at him.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You look so sexy when you're cooking." Kirsten whispered to him before passionately kissing him. Ryan was able to reach over and shut off the stove before returning the sizzling kiss. "We have to stop" she mumbled against his cheek "I know" Ryan whispered "But I don't think I can"  
  
"Me neither. And that scares the shit out of me." Kirsten's guilt and shame vanished when Ryan latched his lips onto her neck "Oh god" she moaned. Ryan hoisted her onto the counter as she wrapped her legs around his waist. She gently pulled off his shirt in between running her hands all over him. As Kirsten closed her eyes, her thoughts began to fade in a haze of lust and wanting. She surrendered herself to the feel of Ryan touching her, teasing her. 


	6. All Apologies

Chapter 6 All Apologies A/N: Thanks for all the great reviews so far, keep 'em coming. And to all you lurkers out there, feel free to review.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own'em, never will.  
  
The scene by now, was all too familiar to Ryan: The golden sunlight angling through the blinds of the pool house, illuminating the familiar golden hair of head resting on his chest. Ryan breathed in slowly looking at the ceiling. They were speeding toward a catastrophic outcome, he knew. He knew that Kirsten knew that too. They were literally risking everything. A marriage, families, a son, a brother. This could only end badly. Ryan had no illusions about this. Eventually something would happen. Seth would come back, Sandy would snap out of the fugue-like state he was in, something would go wrong. And there could be no forgiveness, not for either of them. What Ryan and Kirsten had done was unforgivable. Not to mention illegal. Ryan knew this. But, and this was by now an old story, he couldn't help himself. He was drawn to her like he had been drawn to no other person. Whenever she was near him his brain just stopped functioning on any rational level and all there was was his consuming desire for this woman. Ryan Atwood had always used sex as a kind of escape. He learned at a very young age that he was good at it, that he could maintain control while his partners lost control. Since his family life was so badly out of control, sex became the one thing he could control. Even with Theresa, he could maintain control. But with Kirsten he lost control, had no hope of ever regaining it. It felt roughly akin to being in a speeding car, heading for a cliff. He knew eventually it would come crashing down, but he couldn't extricate himself. His self-reflection was broken when he felt Kirsten stirring.  
  
"Hey" Ryan said softly. Kirsten stared up, her crystalline blue eyes blinking rapidly in the sun. During five seconds, a rapid series of emotions flitted across her face, starting with confusion then flipping through understanding, shame, guilt and ending with acceptance. Ryan was familiar with her rapid assortment of emotions. It happened every time Kirsten found herself waking up in his bed. What both elated and terrified Ryan was that the time it took from her to move from shame to acceptance was decreasing with every passing morning.  
  
"Hey" she whispered, lifting her head and kissing him gently. Feeling that familiar heat surge through his veins, Ryan deepened the kiss.  
  
"Well good morning to you too" Kirsten teased gently. Ryan flashed her an embarrassed smile.  
  
Kirsten rolled off of him and onto her side, facing him. She gently brushed a strand of hair from Ryan's face.  
  
"Your hair's so long. You really should get it cut" Kirsten said affectionately.  
  
"I like it like this" Ryan said, "It makes me look mysterious"  
  
Kirsten snorted. " It makes you look unkempt. Plus it hides your eyes. You know I can cut it for you. I used to cut my friend's hair all the time when I was in college."  
  
Alarmed Ryan looked at her "For your friend's sakes, I hope you were better at cutting hair then you are at cooking. "  
  
Kirsten lightly swatted his shoulder "Smartass. For your information I can do many more things well then just sell real estate."  
  
A slow grin curved Ryan's lips "Oh I can definitely vouch for that"  
  
A blush crept across Kirsten's face. "Oh stop it" she grinned. She paused, regarding him. She leaned forward, letting her hand creep under the blanket. "You know," she whispered in a husky voice "You're not half bad yourself"  
  
Ryan sucked in a breath and gave her his best smouldering look. "Oh, I know"  
  
At the beginning of all this: when Kirsten thought of her relationship with Ryan, she always tried to look at it how the Newpsies would see it. Wrong, scandalous, and about a half a dozen similar adjectives. She thought that if she looked at it that way, it would make it easier to stop. What Kirsten realized, however, was that all of this thinking ignored the basic terrifying fact that it felt right. It felt right in the same way that her and Sandy felt wrong. Of course, this didn't diminish her overpowering sense of guilt at all, but it did make her able to forget about all those feelings when she was with Ryan. It also didn't take away from the fact that if push came to shove, as she knew it would sooner or later, she wouldn't jeopardize the future of her marriage and more importantly her relationship with Seth. She wouldn't let whatever she had with Ryan jeopardize Seth or Sandy. Of course, Kirsten wasn't stupid, she realized that by continuing this thing with Ryan, she was jeopardizing her marriage. But increasingly as her relationship with Ryan deepened, she felt as if she and Ryan were living in a vacuum. Caleb and Julie with busy with their own issues, Jimmy was too busy worrying about Marissa and building a relationship with Hailey and Sandy was still a member of the walking dead. He had begun to sleep in his office and after that horrible night in the kitchen, had barely two words to say to her. Kirsten found it incredible how a seemingly happy marriage could fall apart so rapidly. She hoped that when Seth came back, that Sandy would be revitalized, would become the Sandy she had fallen in love with once again. But in her heart of hearts Kirsten doubted it. Something had changed in Sandy, something had died. His passion and determination had died. Kirsten didn't know this new Sandy. The one who alternated bouts of furious temper with apathy. The one who looked right through Kirsten. With Ryan, Kirsten felt none of the numbing emptiness and regret she felt with Sandy. She felt none of that frustration that came with living in a dying marriage. She felt alive. Totally, completely alive. She felt twenty- two again. Yet it wasn't like she was using Ryan to feel young. It was a two-way street. She was helping him feel alive after the numbing loss that had characterized his summer. She found it ironic that this relationship was in some ways, the first natural and healthy relationship that Ryan had had. They were both helping each other to feel again.  
  
She broke out of her reverie to find Ryan staring at her quizzically.  
  
"Sorry" Kirsten apologized, "I was just lost in thought"  
  
"About.." Ryan prompted  
  
"Just.. nothing" Kirsten started then stopped "Nothing, don't worry about it"  
  
"Seriously what?" Ryan asked, "Are you thinking about Sandy or something" he tried to keep the tightness out of his voice  
  
Kirsten shook her head. "Its just... Please don't take this the wrong way.. but how many girls have you had sex with? Just curious" she quickly added  
  
Ryan opened his mouth and closed it again  
  
"Forget it, just forget it" Kirsten said hurriedly  
  
"No. I mean... You deserve to know" Ryan said quietly "I'm just trying to think" Kirsten raised her eyebrows. Ryan began to count of his fingers. After a few seconds of this Kirsten broke in with an exasperated voice "Oh come on"  
  
"Ten" Ryan said Kirsten stared at him in shock "Well if you didn't want to know then why'd you ask" Ryan said defensively "Things were different in Chino"  
  
"I'm beginning to see that" Kirsten said slowly  
  
"What's your count" Ryan asked  
  
"Oh I can't remember" Kirsten said quickly  
  
"Nice try" Ryan said sardonically "I told you, now you gotta tell me."  
  
"All right" Kirsten said quietly "Three"  
  
Now it was Ryan's turn to stare at her in shock. Finally he managed to get out "Including me?" Kirsten nodded her head  
  
"Wow. You're like a monk. A nun actually" Ryan said in awe  
  
"Hey!" Kirsten said defensively "I only sleep with people I care about"  
  
Ryan gave her a lazy grin "So you do actually care about me"  
  
"Of course" Kirsten said in a sharper voice then she intended. "Do you that I would risk everything that we're risking just for sex"  
  
Ryan winced and began picking at his elbow "Sorry" he mumbled  
  
"Of course" Kirsten said, knowing she needed to break the sudden tension "It IS great sex. I suppose that's one good thing about your, ah, track record"  
  
Ryan looked up and grinned, "Well you know what they say. Practice makes perfect:" he moved to kiss her. After a few seconds, she broke away  
  
"One more question"  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes "Fire away" he said in a resigned voice  
  
"Did you and Marissa ever have sex?" Kirsten asked quietly  
  
"Not in the pool house if that's what you're worried about" Ryan cracked  
  
Seeing the stern look on Kirsten's face, he quickly clarified "No. We never did"  
  
Kirsten looked surprised "I thought you loved her" she said softly  
  
"I thought I did" Ryan said reflectively "I don't know now whether I actually did. I know I didn't love her, if I ever did, after the whole Oliver incident. It was never the right time with us. There was always so many other things getting in the way"  
  
Kirsten studied him. She seemed to be wrestling with herself "I don't know whether I love Sandy anymore. Not like I used to. I mean I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore and he hasn't even noticed" she murmured.  
  
The statement, despite being delivered in a calm voice, shocked Ryan to his very core.  
  
"Wow" He released a breath that he didn't know he had been holding "Um. I don't know what to say"  
  
"You don't have to say anything" Kirsten assured him  
  
"This is getting...." Ryan broke off helplessly, glancing at Kirsten  
  
"I know" she whispered, drawing him closer "I know"  
  
"But I don't want to you know.." Again Ryan broke off  
  
"I know" Kirsten repeated softly  
  
Their contented silence was broken a few minutes later by the sound of the phone ringing. Ryan groped for it and brought to his ear "Hello?"  
  
"Ryan?" Ryan was jolted into a sitting up position by the sound of the voice at the other end. His hands whitened around the receiver  
  
"Dude. Okay listen. I have like thirty seconds left on this phone card and I have like no change so I'm going to dispense with the pleasantries. Suffice it to say that between Summer and Theresa and the baby and my assholish behaviour to both you and Summer we have a lot to talk about. Anyways, the reason I'm calling is to inform you that the prodigal son is returning. Three days from now"  
  
Ryan was shocked into silence. His world had suddenly been thrown into turmoil again.  
  
Ryan felt dizzy, like he had lost his equilibrium  
  
"Dude? Okay I can understand if you hate me or whatever, but saying anything at his point would be nice"  
  
"That's great" Ryan finally managed to get out in a monotone "That's great"  
  
"Yeah it'll be good to get back to Casa Cohen. Though I think Summer will kill me as soon as I see her. Not to mention my parents. Ah fuck Ryan? My phone card's like dead. So I'll see ya in three days. And Ry? As trivial and banal this is, me telling you this when I have ten seconds left on my phone card, I am truly sorry about the baby. That's gotta suck. We can talk as much or as little as you want about it when I get home"  
  
Abruptly the phone went dead. Ryan stared at it for a long while. He shifted away from Kirsten so he was sitting with his back to her.  
  
"Honey?" Kirsten asked, "Who was that?"  
  
"That was Seth" Ryan said in voice utterly devoid of emotion "He's coming home in three days" Kirsten sucked in a breath Without looking at her, Ryan quickly dressed and left the pool house, leaving Kirsten alone to sort out her tangle of emotions. 


End file.
